I find myself so frustrated lately, and I do promise that I will concentrate on lighter things shortly, having all these worries floating through my head right now like:
Is my younger brother really moving backwards in acceptance in my transition? Will my mother continue sabotaging me, trying to make it harder so that I give up? Is my older brother really healthy for my trans and gay friends to be around will he accept me? Will my sister cut me off from my neice and nephews? How far will my step fathers rage go? Did I really screw up my schooling beyond any hope to fix it? How many years before my student loans debt is gone? How much longer after that will I ever have credit? Will I be fifty before I can ever hope to get a mortgage for a home? Will I be in the closet at work for the rest of my life? Will I still hate myself when I start visibly changing more? Will I be ugly? Can I trust anyone to talk to... Its been so long since I've hung around with any lgbt friends, I miss the acceptance and the use of gay in any positive sense of the word. The transgender day of remembrance was painful this year, I am stuck hiding and quiet. I keep trying to get things that I have always wanted, that I used to want, because it fit in my minds picture of what my cozy dream home would hold. As if one could collect enough pieces to complete the puzzle and solve life. I find myself having a hard time seeing into a future anymore though, I go by old pictures and old lists, pretending that they are still there. All I see when I try to look to my future is a short strip of the road left. I think of all the obstacles and how I can ever live with one of them continuing negatively and it feels like It is just a matter of time before the road runs out.
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Today is the day that I am recognizing Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day that makes my heart ache every second from the time I get up to when I finally fall asleep. I curl up to my blankets and pillow so tightly that it is as if it were me holding on to my friends and keeping them with me. Sometimes I see them go through so much pain and I feel useless for not being able to stop any of it. Life can be a torture. It was years ago when Ian and I first decided to start publicly mourning on the Trans day of Remembrance at the university. Something we had to do to raise more awareness of the losses. We usually spent hours ahead of time going through all the names. All the stories. The graphic beatings, the severe hate. We tried to remember all of those people that we could. So many beautiful people lost to this rigid and intolerant world. All ages, attacked with such passion and hate. People don’t understand how much this effects everyone. Transphobia can lead to the end of any life who breaks these rigid gender stereotypes. It has led to the deaths of children who knew nothing of these words and definitions. This last year a baby was killed because their step father felt the infant was not masculine enough. Every year the numbers are underestimated. Every year this continues. I get told that I am too passionate about breaking down all of the rules surrounding gender. I try to encourage my family to take a stance of acceptance and encouragement to express themselves. It never feels like the changes are happening fast enough. I watch my nieces and nephews get railroaded to hate opposite gender things, most answering back so quickly now their disgust in the others toys. Fast enough that you can tell they get taunted, quizzed about it from the adults in their lives. It will be another generation of people having to fit in these categories. You ask why I feel so strongly about kids toys.. Because it leads to showing your children how much gender matters. It shows them the rules. They grow up feeling that that is the way it has to be. That gender cant cross any lines. The people who murdered felt it was so important to stick to these categories, so important that people follow them, that they killed. They made the decision that because of this the life of that individual lacked worth. These murderers were children, they learned these rules in their youth. Become aware of this. Acknowledge it. I want to move forward into a generation of accepting people who will accept the beauty that comes with diversity. Who will never teach children such ridiculous rules. Where the hate is ended and people get to live without the fear. Please start taking the steps needed to create this world. Ending this hate is a cause worth standing up for. Let knowing these losses and remembering their stories give you the strength to help end the loss of life. |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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